Richard and I have been friends for over a year now and I really enjoy his take on women who are dating and in relationships. In his own words he explains what he believes are the reasons why women are failing to find the right man who makes them feel loved and cherished.
I frequently hear from women about how they cannot find “a great guy.” They blame a host of factors: his kids, your busyness. All of the good ones are taken. He’s just like your ex.
I don’t subscribe to the concept of the “good man deficit.” I know lots of men who are romantic, humble, generous and kind. In fact, these guys are frequently saying the same thing about why they cannot find the right woman.
As a journalist and writer for 30+ years, I’ve tried to be an observer of human nature. I spend a lot of time trying to “diagnose” our common behaviors. (I think I should have gone to school for psychology instead of journalism.)
When I talk to my female friends, and observe them when I can, I see three common behaviors that I believe leads them to unfulfilling relationships.
- Your expectations are too low
It’s crazy, but I hear all the time about women staying in long-term relationships with abusers, cheaters, or guys who actively tell them, “This is who I am, and I can’t give you what you want.” I used to wonder why someone would settle for so much less than they wanted. However, over the years, as I deepened my spirituality and spent more time in introspection, I came to the obvious answer.
We don’t think we deserve better.
I know that might be painful to accept. It was for me for a long time. I spent more than 20 years in a marriage where I accepted less, all of the time. The first step to attracting a great guy, is to truly accept and believe that you are a great woman.
Living and breathing the truth of your divine nature, loving yourself the way that the Universe/Creator/God (your choice) loves you is the jumping off point to loving the right man for you. When you reach that point consistently, you’ll be sending him the signal that you are worth the greatest love in return.
2. Your expectations are too high
So now that I tell you that you deserve the best, be mindful that you don’t get full of yourself. As you pursue divine love in yourself, be open to seeing in and attracting love from a man who may not “look” exactly like what you think you want.
I’ve spoken to and observed women who are so crazily specific about what they want in the great guy of their dreams. “He needs to earn this much, be this tall, have this complexion, and have the following hobbies and interests.”
Initial attraction is often superficial, but that can block you from finding “him.” I’m all for knowing what you want on the surface of another, but who are you overlooking? The greatest love of my life was a woman who didn’t fit the specific criteria I thought I was looking for (hair color, body shape, profession, interests, etc.).
When I first met her in person, I wasn’t “weak in the knees,” telling myself “she’s the one.” But the succeeding weeks and months, learning about her past and present, hopes and dreams, and sharing with each other the most vulnerable and challenging aspects of our personalities, took care of all of that. I fell madly in love because her divine nature was so powerful for me.
What are you really looking for? Have you thought about this deeply, versus the list you have in your head? In the same manner that you seek and accept the divine nature of yourself, you need to be open to doing that for him.
3. You struggle to be present in the moment.
You’ll never attract the right man if you’re living in past relationships or looking too far into your future.
Previous relationships should teach us things about ourselves, identifying for us what works for us and what doesn’t. That’s a healthy thing. But as we grow from the past, we also need to leave it behind.
This behavior manifests itself in a lot of ways, among women and men alike. It can rise up in judging our new “other,” comparing them (favorably or not) with someone from our past. We similarly make the mistake of wondering if he is “the one” we envision in our dreams, and spend more time ticking off boxes, versus being with him. Consciously or not, he’s going to pick up on that.
It is so important that lovers build a practice of mindfulness, so that you both can be present to the one there right now, to pay the closest attention to them and how you feel with them, and the way that they feel with you. It’s amazing to me the bonds that build when two people are intently present to each other, giving their time and attention only to their other. Those are the moments when you will discern if you have found the one, and open to them your true nature.
Don’t think yourself out of the love of a lifetime, your soulmate. He is out there, but finding him starts with finding yourself first, the person you are right now, not of the past and future, and being present to this new thing you are building.
Guest Blogger Richard D’Ambrosio.